“Douchant – The New Fragrance from Guiltinan”

Yowyowyow. It’s been a while since our last editorial. A while since my last post, also. So, in response to Jack’s post.. I’ve got quite a bit to say.

Firstly, it’s time for some background story, regarding our taste in women. Joe? He likes them brunette.

Me? I like them hard to get. And brunette/dark haired. THEREFORE, when Joe described a certain girl from his school to me, I was just about ready to drive 50 miles over to Monrovia to go to his high school tomorrow morning. However, being the spineless, weak-willed pushover that I am, I fukitol’d and went to sleep instead. (Fuk-it-ol. Fuck. It. All.) 

Flash Forward. Two days later: Joe changes his mind, for he has seen the hard-to-get brunette fraternizing with the sworn enemies of Los Masculinos (Hereby re-dubbed Los Hombres Muertos).

Yes, the douchebags. The assholes. The pricks. The chavs. And perhaps the pikeys. For many a long year (Just one, actually), Los Hombres Muertos has fought valiantly against douchfaggery, and yet the virulence of this infection is beyond the far-reaching control of LHM. To completely wipe out this plague, we would require the aid of an omnipotent, all-powerful being. 

…

Yeah, I don’t think Sylvester Stallone would like us poser-gangsters that much. Count out the omnipotent being. Chuck Norris is all booked, also – and he was our second best bet.

 

So to redirect this article back on track, I’d like to conduct a small analysis of the douchebag character.

Formerly, our term for “Douchebag” was asshole. Anal sphincter. Arsehole. Backdoor. Alleyway. Meow Meow. Kitty!

Then “Faggot” came along for all wrong the reasons, and now we’ve arrived at “Douchebag”. Douchebag seems a much more fitting term, than “faggot”. You clean vaginas with douchebags. That’s how low they are. But what makes a douchebag a douchebag and not a vaginal cleaning mechanism?

A number of reasons contribute to classification as a douchebag. The reasons include, but are not limited to, the following: 

- Being overly ostentatious/pretentious.

- Wearing clothes that make you seem ostentatious.

- An unkind, unnecessarily rude personality

- Failure to recognize socially unacceptable behavior.

- Sexual harassment. 

- General unlike-ability.

 

Douchebags usually drive E46 BMW M3′s. or E90/92 BMW M3′s. They have tattoos, and (possibly) popped collars. They are usually indiscriminately obnoxious, and treat their feminine counterparts rudely and in an unchivalrous manner. The classification of a douchebag largely relies on one’s point of view, though. For instance, our said “douchebags” rarely notice their unbearable behavior. That’s where LHM comes in, yo. Ohohohoho~

 

I do think the time is ripe for us to move onto a new term for asshole/anal sphincter/arsehole/backdoor/alleyway/meow meow/kitty!/faggot/douchebag, though.

So, the chivalrous John Doexote (Reference to Don Quixote) wants you to quit being a bunch of TAMPONS, and shut the fuck up. Could this be possibly douche-y behavior on my part? Of course. But it sure as hell isn’t worthy of TAMPON status.

Following Up On My Colleague’s Montecito Post.

Yes it is true. Montecito Fine Arts College and Montecito High School of Art, Science, and Design has permanently closed its doors. And very abruptly. The Dark Lord Edgar Kucklekorn and his mistress Trisha (Who specializes in the ancient art of Dominatrix-fu) have supposedly fled the country with their douchebag nazi youth son, Hunter, leaving approximately 1,200 students without classes. (Employees as well)  The employees haven’t been paid since february. Sadly, some teachers have been terribly affected by this. For instance, the staff’s only homosexual teacher, Mr. David Liu. Mr. Liu has filed for bankruptcy, but we believe that he’ll be fine as long as he continues to live with his mother and his boyfriend, Raphael. They say that sometimes, they invite over their kinky friends, “Chad and Leonardo” (And on special occasions, Mr. Liu’s favorite students: David Sarabia and Alex Sun) to “keep them company.”

Anyways, the other teachers are screwed as well. Mr. Narek Keshishian, has recently brought a baby into this world and is falling on hard times as well. Mrs. Runyen is pregnant, Dr. Chen has two toddlers, and Mr. Troung also has a toddler. The chinese teacher has disappeared.(Whaaaat?) The spanish teacher is in Spain – and she probably doesn’t know that she has lost her job. The ESL teacher and after school director, Rochelle Leather, stated that montecito owes her $10,000. These poor teachers have all been owned. As well as the principal, Suzanna Wann.

The teachers of the school were withholding the students transcripts until they got paid. But the parents had no intention of paying them it seemed. But recently the principal sent out an email stating that the transcripts will be ready soon. So there is still hope for the students will not have to repeat their grade. Mrs. Suzanna also stated that she intends to make a new school with the same faculty and that the school will still be able to keep its WASC accredidation. But will parents really trust this school? After all the money that was lost? IS it really possible to create another school? Suzanna may be dreaming….

Anyways. Hopefully Mr. Ed, his wife, and his spoiled son, will soon be sodomized and “pwned” in many other ways in the near future for the terrible crimes they’ve commited.

For further reading, please check out this poorly edited article:

http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/ci_12992712

Apparently, this paper couldn’t afford a proofreader… (Our editing’s pretty shabby, too)

EDIT:

Now I’ll insert a picture of a Nissan GT-R (SpecV?). Bam. Instant readership.

 

 

Looks like a new-age Initial D Hachi-Roku (AE86)