Sad Story, Pitiful Tale

Ulysses, in a skirt. Picture the pure weakness of that.

…

No, I was wrong. That wasn’t too awesome of a sight. You get my “dorifutoooooo” (drift) though, right? It’s a controversial image, a rendition of weakness.

Winter is a time of weakness.

Say that it’s unusually cold one morning. What do we do then? We don our winter clothes, stuffed with molten lava and lined with flaming fleece. This is the quintessential example of man, succumbing to nature. “Oh no, ’tis far too cold to brave the wintry northerly winds. I shall just roast m’self alive within folds of nylon – what say ye?”

Now, the few tough-guys willing to bash foreheads with nature are the true badasses. They are the ones who destroy their umbrellas on purpose. They disembowel parkas by night; scarves whisper their names quietly in dark hallways. Of course, these men don’t make for very good role models – most are either nudists or exhibitionists. In a desperate attempt to toughen up this season (not in nudist couture), I’ve begun braving rainstorms without the aid of winter accessories.

Sadly, my partly-nudist efforts to strengthen my will do not seem to have affected the usual wish-washiness I experience during winter. An entire year’s worth of suppressed emotions begin to show around this time of year, struggling to flush themselves out in preparation for a new year of emotional repression. My yearly man-period.. Well, let’s just say that more than once have I considered running away from both home and school. More than once, have I considered a life of crime – or a career in sports (Namely, motorsports. Go watch this. Edjumacate y’self.)

Regarding my urge to hibernate: It’s worse now, what with Junior year and all. I find myself sleeping after 1 AM much more often. It’s frightening. It’s illogical! It goes against my bodily instincts!

Bodily instincts… welllll…

I like to think of myself as a bear of sorts. Bears are big, furry, and they wrestle with baby Chuck Norris. Winnie the Pooh is a bear. My god, are bears cool. They’d make the universe a better place – just colonize planets with bears.

Were I a part of a certain Mormon woman’s vampire fetish-fantasies, I’d fancy myself as some bear type thingy also. No wussy wolfs doggies or shiny vampires for me. No sissy-ass modren Volvo’s either (they just don’t make Volvos like they used to). If I were an actual character, the series would’ve ended halfway through the first book, after I ate everyone, Cullens and all.

Egotism aside: Bears hibernate – is it not logical for me to hibernate? Once I finish school, I am going to be medically diagnosed and excused from interactions with society for the months of December, January, and February. I promise.

Plans for the End of This Year – Literary Style

Well now, September’s gone by nice and quickly, hasn’t it? Time passes at a terrifying rate once you acclimate into “Le Groove d’Ecole” (The Groove of School).

I guess that means I am now “dans la routine”. This should be a slap-yourself-on-the-forehead worthy feat in itself, considering the trap of monotony and routine that we all too easily fall for – although some feel better within a set of guidelines, while others feel uneasy and restless. Think of it as Restless Leg Syndrome for your mind.

What is there for me to do around this time period? Quite a few things, actually. If you are a student, there are countless competitions that begin around this time of year. However, instead of compiling solely a list of student-oriented solutions, I’ve decided to make a universally applicable list. Hopefully, readers of all age groups will find the bullshit advice of a 16-year old relatively useful.

- Learn an Instrument: Any time’s a good time to learn a new instrument. Great satisfaction and the acquisition of a new set of musical skills usually go hand in hand. Although it might seem mediocre or pointless at times, remember than learning a new instrument is not only for gaining recognition. It’s more for personal achievement – a benchmark of sorts. Learning a new instrument is great fun, too. (It also makes you more attractive towards certain members of the OPPOSITE sex!! And no, I was not gay-bashing when I said OPPOSITE sex.)

- Enter a Competition: You might not win. You probably won’t win. There, I’ve said it, and now it’s over and done with. Nothing quite beats the rush of preparing to compete against hundreds/thousands/hundreds of thousands of other competitors, however. Each participant believes (or should believe) that they will win. Each participant is goal-oriented, focused, and INTENSE!!! As “frightening” as that sounds, entering competitions is also a good way to discern one’s strengths. Competitions like the Scholastic Art and Writing awards have many, many categories under which to submit. This leaves comfortable room for self-exploration: “What am I good at? What should I try out? What would I like to do?”…  While these questions may become overwhelming at times, to succeed and to properly plot oneself upon the coordinate plane of the universe is to gain back the effort and frustration you paid, hundredfold.

COMPETITIONS TO CONSIDER

The Scholastic Art & Writing Awards 2010

Writer’s Digest 10th Annual Short Short Story Writing Competition

Writer’s Digest Pop Fiction Awards

NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month

Shed Design Competition 2009 (Rather eccentric, but what the hell..)

Foldees – The Ongoing Greeting Card Contest

Roland 2theMAX Design Competitions

Other 2theMAX Competitions

GraphicCompetitions.com offers a hefty amount of writing/design competitions ranging from the world-renowned to the inscrutably obscure. Refer to TheObscureBlog.com for more obscurity.

- Write: Y’know. Like what I’m doing right now. Write. Practice, and should Hell rain fury down upon you should you fail to improve. Find classes, look for tutors, get together with friends – do anything that you can to further improve your writing. It’s what I’m doing, and since I’m so damn awesome, you should too. *cough*

THINGS TO CONSIDER: Try submitting to Teen Ink and The Claremont Review if you’re “young enough”. For all you elderly people over the age of 21 out there, the Writer’s Market is always a good starting point.

Hailing from the Land of 2:00 AM…

IT IS I, MIKE HUNT!

I dislike this whole “junior year is your hardest year” mantra. So far though, it’s proving to be true – especially with early admission applications to USC.

Here’s a bit of background on the Resident Honors Program (at the University of Southern California).

I’ve no clue as to when this program was actually started. No clue as to how old it is, or how established it is amongst high-school counselor circles. Right around 100 Juniors apply each year to this program, and between 20-30 of them get accepted. So what exactly does that mean?

(In Mike’s Mind): If you get in, you’re a badass.

The RHP was established as a way for Juniors to skip their senior years of high school, and to attend their Freshman year of College at USC in exchange. Now, this means that the selected students won’t graduate high school (officially). Some high schools choose to give out “Honorary” diplomas, deeming RHP students exempt from any further courses in high school. However, the Irvine Unified School District is just a conglomerate of hardasses, so students like me will have to take the GED (some exam to prove that you’re not a ruh-tard) to obtain a high school diploma. Sad thing is, invitations to this program are sent based on PSAT scores.

…

Not cool, man.

I’m not the world’s greatest student – especially since teachers tend to hate me. Big fat toddlers…

Speaking of big fat toddlers, I’d just like to take a moment now… to classify most adults as big, fat unreliable CO2-emitting sources of unhappiness and mid-life crises. Now y’see, while writing my college essays and whatnot, my college counselor told me to send my work in for review. I didn’t get a reply. Not until a week later, the day that the application was due. In that one week, I worked on my application with another writing professor from the University of California at Irvine. Truth be told, I had become quite chuffed with what I had written – then on the due date, my college counselor told me to submit the (slightly and lightly) revised essays that I had JUST received. I now regret following her advice.. SHE PLAYED DIRTY!

She said: “But (UCI Professor) isn’t a professional college counselor – you should send THIS copy instead of the (UCI Professor’s).”

Fuck, I ain’t feeling so good about that decision now. Not at all. All I’ve left to rely upon… is the luck bestowed upon dumbshits in times of need.

YOU KNOW HOW THE DOGG ROLL.