A Series of Theses (Not really, more like ideas than theses)

1. “Would a modern-day Quixote survive?”

2. “I… Took a piss at MIT. Think of it as an inauguration.”

3. “A blimp hangar on the outskirts of an urbane, banal town. Almost, but not quite. One can almost grab the feeling of euphoria, that damned-cool sensation, in real life due to things like this blimp hangar. It adds mystique, character, and adventure. Mostly though, it adds a touch of the unknown. At the last second, when we nearly cross the threshold into the land of big-screen-impossibility, a director in a beret confines it within a film reel to be edited, published, and mass-produced. Truth be told though, life isn’t a movie. Just how boring can things get?”

4. “Just how cool… is Diana’s mom? An odd question, to say the least. Her mother is like a big mama cow, a character with TRUE CHARACTER that transcends the normalcy of daily life. Once again though, the character doesn’t extend to it’s full potential – Diana’s mother is still a mother, and not a mama cow.”

5. “‘We evolve, we grow, but do we sell our souls along the way? Or do people like me cling desperately to antiquated images and ideals of the past?”

6. “Growing up in Irvine – a planned, sheltered, bubble of a suburb.”

7. Looking in as an outsider/removed narrator, regarding the change that “folks back at home” have underwent: “Perhaps it’s because I’ve been gone, on extended leave, but I view things differently from the people whom I formerly shared my views with so dearly. These resident domestics do not see what they have entangled themselves into – A graduation from simple middle-school idealism to high-school superficiality. It’s a homecoming, perhaps, but this isn’t my home, and these aren’t my people.”

8. Building off of my previous thesis, I stated that this (Irvine) “wasn’t my home”. If so, then what is? I find that hard to answer – I’d rather not get too attached to things like this. I take solace in living life as the solo-mio, itinerant individual. Now, that all just sounds like a load of propagandistic shit – BUT: I’ve  yet to confine myself to a straightforward, american highway path down life. As of now, I’m taking winding side roads, looking for touge’s with other ‘drifters’. (Hint hint: Double meaning: Touge = mountain race, where people drift cars very often)

9. An Age of Specialization: Now’s right about the age where people specialize into different branches – sports, science, literature.

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“Douchant – The New Fragrance from Guiltinan”

Yowyowyow. It’s been a while since our last editorial. A while since my last post, also. So, in response to Jack’s post.. I’ve got quite a bit to say.

Firstly, it’s time for some background story, regarding our taste in women. Joe? He likes them brunette.

Me? I like them hard to get. And brunette/dark haired. THEREFORE, when Joe described a certain girl from his school to me, I was just about ready to drive 50 miles over to Monrovia to go to his high school tomorrow morning. However, being the spineless, weak-willed pushover that I am, I fukitol’d and went to sleep instead. (Fuk-it-ol. Fuck. It. All.) 

Flash Forward. Two days later: Joe changes his mind, for he has seen the hard-to-get brunette fraternizing with the sworn enemies of Los Masculinos (Hereby re-dubbed Los Hombres Muertos).

Yes, the douchebags. The assholes. The pricks. The chavs. And perhaps the pikeys. For many a long year (Just one, actually), Los Hombres Muertos has fought valiantly against douchfaggery, and yet the virulence of this infection is beyond the far-reaching control of LHM. To completely wipe out this plague, we would require the aid of an omnipotent, all-powerful being. 

…

Yeah, I don’t think Sylvester Stallone would like us poser-gangsters that much. Count out the omnipotent being. Chuck Norris is all booked, also – and he was our second best bet.

 

So to redirect this article back on track, I’d like to conduct a small analysis of the douchebag character.

Formerly, our term for “Douchebag” was asshole. Anal sphincter. Arsehole. Backdoor. Alleyway. Meow Meow. Kitty!

Then “Faggot” came along for all wrong the reasons, and now we’ve arrived at “Douchebag”. Douchebag seems a much more fitting term, than “faggot”. You clean vaginas with douchebags. That’s how low they are. But what makes a douchebag a douchebag and not a vaginal cleaning mechanism?

A number of reasons contribute to classification as a douchebag. The reasons include, but are not limited to, the following: 

- Being overly ostentatious/pretentious.

- Wearing clothes that make you seem ostentatious.

- An unkind, unnecessarily rude personality

- Failure to recognize socially unacceptable behavior.

- Sexual harassment. 

- General unlike-ability.

 

Douchebags usually drive E46 BMW M3′s. or E90/92 BMW M3′s. They have tattoos, and (possibly) popped collars. They are usually indiscriminately obnoxious, and treat their feminine counterparts rudely and in an unchivalrous manner. The classification of a douchebag largely relies on one’s point of view, though. For instance, our said “douchebags” rarely notice their unbearable behavior. That’s where LHM comes in, yo. Ohohohoho~

 

I do think the time is ripe for us to move onto a new term for asshole/anal sphincter/arsehole/backdoor/alleyway/meow meow/kitty!/faggot/douchebag, though.

So, the chivalrous John Doexote (Reference to Don Quixote) wants you to quit being a bunch of TAMPONS, and shut the fuck up. Could this be possibly douche-y behavior on my part? Of course. But it sure as hell isn’t worthy of TAMPON status.